Male military spouses – finding a place among wives Published May 14, 2013 By Sarina Houston 3rd Flying Training Squadron key spouse VANCE AIR FORCE BASE, Okla. -- Department of Defense demographics from 2010 tell us that 10 percent of spouses in the Air Force are male. This means each squadron's spouses group should, statistically speaking, have at least a handful of male spouses in it. But as you might imagine, male spouses aren't very involved, if at all, with spouse groups. After all, what guy wants to participate in something long-known as a "wives club" that includes play-dates, baby showers and manicures? Even enthusiastic male spouses sometimes find their involvement diminishing after time. A guy can only take so much discussion about shopping, diapers and husbands. More so, they probably just don't find these groups very interesting. And with little support from fellow guy spouses, it's no wonder they sidestep the opportunity. So I am left wondering: Do male spouses feel ignored and left out? Do they wish that spouse groups and events were more man-friendly? The way I see it, male military spouses have the same difficulties and stresses that female spouses do. When an active-duty female deploys, her husband is left at home to work, take care of kids and manage the household. He does laundry, cooks and helps with homework. He takes the kids to birthday parties and shops for groceries while she's gone, all while struggling to maintain a sense of self. The difference is that as females, we're eager to seek out and use the supports systems in place. They're designed with "wives" in mind and it's pretty easy for us to feel comfortable with fellow wives. Male spouses don't tend to fit in as seamlessly. They're left to handle the stresses of military life without the support that women generally have. Sure, these support systems are in place for everyone -- male or female -- but do men feel comfortable asking for help from a community of mostly women? Adding to that, women don't fully understand the situation that a male military spouse faces. Women are, for the most part, accepted in both the workplace and at home with the kids while men still face a social stigma involved with being a stay-at-home dad or "failing" to be the family's primary provider. Sounds absurd doesn't it. Finally, there is always a risk of unwanted attention if a male spouse does involve himself with a spouse group that is predominately female. After all, what would it look like if a male military spouse attended the spouse cocktail party, discovers he has a lot in common with a female spouse and chooses to socialize with her? Oh, how people would talk if he went out for coffee with a female-spouse friend from time to time! Male spouses aren't much different from female spouses when it comes to dealing with the challenges of military life. Yet spouse groups still tend to be mostly female-driven, leaving male spouses to face their unique challenges alone. Maybe it is time, as fellow military spouses, to become more inclusive and supportive of our male counterparts. Sarina is the Key Spouse for the 3rd Flying Training Squadron and is married to Capt. Jacob Houston in the 3rd FTS at Vance AFB.