Showing up alone: A challenge for spouses

  • Published
  • By Sarina Houston
  • 3rd Flying Training Squadron key spouse
VANCE AIR FORCE BASE, Okla. --  One of the most challenging things a spouse faces when moving to a new base is getting involved and making friends. It can be difficult to get involved because as the new person, you're stuck showing up to functions alone, which can be intimidating.

Why is showing up alone so hard?

In my opinion, it's partly a girl thing and partly just a case of shyness. As women, we are usually very aware of what other women could be thinking. Who wants to go to a complete stranger's house for a spouse social, where you'll walk in to 10 or more women staring at you? What if you're overdressed or underdressed? What if it's awkward? What if they're cliquey?

Many people are understandably shy when placed in a new situation, and it takes energy and motivation to overcome this shyness.

So what do we do?

We don't go. We'll make up excuses and opt out. We'd rather not have the added stress that comes with stepping out of our comfort zone and making new friends, so we stay home.

We have a lot to do at home, anyway, like unpack boxes!

More often than not, we wait until we have a team of friends and we show up together. Because for some senseless reason, walking through that door and facing those 10 women is easier when you have a clique of your own.

I am 100 percent guilty of this.

I never used to show up alone -- it was too far out of my comfort zone, for sure. Over the years, though, I've learned that making friends takes time, which I have a limited amount of. And it turns out, I'm always happier once I get involved. So I have forced myself to go to functions alone at times, and I'm always glad when I do.

Too often I hear spouses say that they wish they had gotten involved sooner, because once they did, they formed life-long friendships. And who knew that spouses actually had fun at those meetings?

Try not to be shy, and don't wait too long to get involved. Chances are you have a lot in common with those intimidating spouses, and they aren't judging you after all.

Sarina is the Key Spouse for the 3rd Flying Training Squadron and is married to Capt. Jacob Houston in the 3rd FTS at Vance AFB.