Keeping romance alive with regular deposits in the Love Bank

  • Published
  • By Chaplain (Maj.) Randall D. Groves
  • 71st Flying Training Wing Chaplain
VANCE AIR FORCE BASE, Okla. --  The hardest thing I've ever done is be married.

Sharon and I have been married almost 27 years - most of it wonderful, but not so at first. At about the 10-year point, something was wrong.

The commitment was there but the romantic feelings had faded. Later, Sharon told me that she wanted to find a way to leave. I'm so glad she didn't.

Our marriage began a turnaround when an Air Force chaplain gave us a book that provided a way to regain the romance. That book taught us that everyone has a "Love Bank."

When my wife meets my emotional needs, she makes deposits in my love bank, which increase my feelings of love towards her.

When I meet her emotional needs, I make deposits in her love bank, which increases her feelings of love toward me.

Following the model of marriage provided by this book helped us regain and surpass our wedding-day feelings of love.

The name of that book is "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage," by Willard F. Harley Jr.

Want to regain the romance in your marriage? Follow the steps explained in Harley's book.

First, commit to building romantic love. Like any other skill, filling your spouse's love bank requires knowledge and practice. Keeping the romance in marriage is work, but it is also fulfilling and rewarding.

Then identify and overcome any love bank withdrawals. Deposits increase and withdrawals decrease feelings of love. Deposits won't help the relationship until the withdrawals stop.

The most common withdrawals from the love bank are selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, annoying habits and dishonesty.

Next, identify the most important emotional needs in your relationship. It's highly likely that your emotional needs are very different from your spouse's emotional needs. Then learn from each other how to meet those needs.

As emotional needs are met, the balance in the love bank increases and feelings of love are the result.

The most common emotional needs include affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, recreational companionship, honesty, financial support, domestic support, family commitment and admiration.

When met, which of these emotional needs boosts your feelings of love toward your spouse?

In a marriage you are both taker and giver. As a taker you teach your spouse how to fulfill your most important emotional needs. As a giver you learn from your spouse how to fulfill their most important needs.

If you are interested in recapturing the romance in your relationship, here are some options.
  • Vance's Chaplain Corps personnel are ready to provide premarital, marital or relationship counseling which is 100 percent confidential.
  • Sign up now for the March MarriageCare event in Oklahoma City, March 1-3. It's a free retreat weekend that includes hotel, meals and childcare. The retreat is limited to 15 couples. Contact the chapel, 213-7211.
  • Pick up a copy of Harley's book, read it and apply what you learn to your marriage.
  • Attend a "Keeping the Romance" Leadership Pathways class, soon to be held at Vance.
Have a happy Valentine's Day!