Strengthen your marriage by identifying negative patterns

  • Published
  • By Jessica Gibson
  • 71st Flying Training Wing Public Affairs
VANCE AIR FORCE BASE, Okla. --  The Family Advocacy Program at Vance AFB will host a "Divorce Proof Your Marriage" class from 1 to 2 p.m., Aug. 30, at the Airman & Family Readiness Center.

The program seeks to strengthen marriages by identifying and addressing four negative behavior patterns that strongly affect the probability of divorce.

Shawn Kelley, a counselor at Family Advocacy, will be teaching the class. Military couples have unique stress factors that can affect their marriage, she said.

"Most couples don't have to deal with their partner going away for months at a time on deployment, changes in job demands or moving," Kelley said. "These are extra challenges that military couples have to cope with."

The class is based on research by Dr. John Gottman, a marriage psychologist and head of the non-profit Relationship Research Institute. Gottman based his research on the premise that most couples have stereotypes of how a healthy relationship should function that are often misguided.

"Lots of young couples believe that in a good marriage you never fight. You always get along," Kelley said. "But any older couple will tell you there are good times and bad times. There's no such thing as a perfect marriage."

Gottman focused his research on how couples interact on a daily basis by recording discussion sessions in which couples talked about some of the basic issues in their marriage. How the couple reacted to their conflicts revealed a lot about their marriage.

"Sixty-nine percent of problems in a marriage are perpetual; they don't go away after time. They're based in personality differences, so they don't change," Kelley said.

These conflicts in personality appeared often in Gottman's research, and he identified four specific issues that caused the worst conflicts. He called those issues the "Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse": contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling.

The presence of these four issues, Kelley said, is a strong indicator of a couple's probability of divorce. The class aims to identify where these issues exist in participants' relationships and to help address them specifically. "It's important to have open dialogue with your partner," Kelley said, adding that for military couples, staying connected often takes a lot of work.

"In a military couple, your spouse is usually your primary support person. When they leave, it's easy to feel isolated," said Kelley. "In that situation it's important to reach out and get help.

"Deployments are hard on families. The partner at home assumes more responsibilities full-time. They have to keep connected to stay strong," Kelley said. "Otherwise, when the deployed partner returns, it will be easy for them to 'upset the cart.' It's hard to get back into the groove of things," she explained.

Kelley said her best advice to couples who are experiencing difficulty with their marriage is to not deal with it alone. "If they find themselves struggling, reach out for help. We're very fortunate here with so many places to get help."

The Airman & Family Readiness Center has the "Hearts Apart" coffee chat. "And if anyone wants individual counseling, or even just somebody to talk to, our office is available," said Kelley.

"It's easy to find faults in someone else," Kelley said. "But ask yourself, 'Is there something I could be doing better?' We can't control another person, but we can control ourselves."

The exception is in an abusive relationship. Examining yourself does not help much. "In that situation, find help as soon as possible," said Kelley.

For more information and to sign up for the "Divorce Proof Your Marriage" class, contact Kelley at 213-7419.

To learn more about the "Hearts Apart" coffee chat, contact Tech. Sgt. Bobbie White at the A&FRC, 213-6288.